If Famous Writers Had Written Twilight...

• Virginia Woolf: The novel takes place over the course of twenty four hours, during which Bella is painting a portrait of Edward and reflecting on how her femininity circumscribes her role within 20th century society.
• Cormac McCarthy: In the opening scene, Edward dashes Bella's head against a rock and rapes her corpse. Then he and Jacob take off on an unexplained rampage through the West.
• Jane Austen: Basically the same as the original, except that Bella is socially apt and incredibly witty. Her distrust of Edward is initially bourne out of a tragic misunderstanding of his character, but after a fling with Jacob during which he sexually assaults her (amusing to no one in this version) she and Edward live happily ever after.
• Annie Proulx: Edward and Jacob defy society's expectations up in the mountains.
• Lewis Carroll: Bella takes acid and charts syllogisms.
• James Joyce: Edward's rapacious love for Bella reflects the way globalism has pillaged Ireland. It's entirely written in Esperanto, with sections in untranslated Greek, except for Chapter 40, which is inexplicably rendered as a script page from the musical The Book of Mormon.
• Ernest Hemingway: Edward and Bella exchange terse dialogue alluding to Edward's anatomical problem. Eventually, Bella leaves him for Jacob, a local bullfighter with a giant…sense of entitlement.
• Flannery O'Connor: When Native American werewolf Jacob threatens her with death, Bella reconsiders her hardcore racism, and just for one milisecond, the audience finds her sympathetic.
• Ayn Rand: Edward tells Bella that he intends to stop saving her life, unless she starts paying him in gold bullion. Hatefucking ensues, then Jacob spouts objectivist philosophy for the next 100 pages.